CEEAS | 2017 WORDS UNLOCKED WINNER: Drowning in Blue
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2017 WORDS UNLOCKED WINNER: Drowning in Blue

First Place

Title: Drowning in Blue

School/Facility: Granite YESS Program @ Wasatch Youth Center, Utah
Teaching Artist: Bonnie Shaw
Poet: D.P.

POEM TITLE: Drowning in Blue

Pulled deeper and deeper
into the void,
I dig down into my pocket,
find the capsule I stashed
first beneath the flap of my tongue
then in a cave of fleece.
I hold it like a jewel,
the key to some magic
kingdom where only good
feelings are allowed.

 

Funny but sometimes all I feel is

 

Good. More than good.
Great.
Invincible.

 

When mom felt like that, Pops called her
manic, but why is mania bad
if it means you’re on top
of the world, where everything is white,
pure light?

 

Bright.

 

I wish I were up there now,
instead of treading water
in this dark blue hole,
stuck in my cell, examining my soul.
This magic blue pill won’t fly
me away from here,

 

to that White Mountain top.
It will only take
me halfway to where others call
normal, but I call gray, toeing a gray line,
all medication is good for.
Bad genes have doomed me
to seesaw, white to blue, blue to white
for the rest of my life, pitiful, painful,

 

Possible.

 

And the thought of that
makes me want to open a vein,
experience pain
to know I’m alive despite
this existence, dreary and desperate.

 

But, maybe it’s not,
maybe there is a chance
to stop fighting the crashing of the waves,
up and down, maybe
it’s time to find balance and
peace, peace and hope.
Maybe I can find the strength,
the strength to

 

Float.